why I am on and off on the dating apps: my personal views on modern dating

Coming from someone who is quite decent like me, learning that I was on dating apps must be a bit shocking to you, even to some of my friends. There was this experience when one of my guy friends sent my profile to our mutuals. Even though at the time I have already opened up to anyone who want to learn about dating apps so basically his act should not really hurt me, still, it hurts. lol Especially if it comes from someone we considered a friend~

I was being open about this matter for I have some reasons. There are still some women on dating apps who are innocently thinking that they might find true love from dating apps. I do not deny it for I have several friends who have met their spouses through dating apps like tinder and bumble. Their marriages are even so still working till these days, way better than some friends who have met their spouses in ‘real life’. I could not give you the percentage, still dating apps also have their potential. Moreover, in these past years online platforms become number one reason to meet new people who tend to be so busy in their real life. After all, not all people, especially girls and women, are capable of using dating apps thus I am always open to especially my girlfriends about me on dating apps so that I could give them one or two insights on how online dating works. Based on this survey, even though about 42% users aiming for marriage, there are only 14% of users who have met their spouse on dating apps. And about hook up cultures, it was turned out that 52% people admitted that they never did even though there were another 18% who prefer not to answer.

Secondly, I have been on dating apps for quite some times already, on and off. If I am not mistaken, I have been on tinder since about 2014 or 2015. My existence there was only to find casual friend for mere brunch dates. Hook up and ONS cultures really do not suit me so they are never becoming my intention. I remember that I installed Tinder for finding locals in the cities I was working during my business trips. At the time, dating apps were only show opposite sex. Later on, in Bumble we have BFF, and this is pretty much helpful for me. And it seems, Tinder allows us to build same sex relationship.

In my experience, the beginning of dating apps were far different from what most people experience now. Most of the time, the men I have met were so decent and neither of the conversation leads to things which are getting to be too intimate. Maybe it is because of my upbringings and nature, so it just never happens to me. However, today’s dating apps really feels different compared to before. Nowadays people are more forthright about their intentions of being on dating apps. Even though there are the increased number of intentional dating, report says it makes casual hook-ups becoming easier. Precisely what I have experienced, majority men matched there either want to sleep or have dirty talks with me. They tell their intention far bluntly not long after we have been matched. The good is I do not need to waste my time to be wishy washy. Anyway the experience I have on dating apps makes it easier for me to assess people’s intentions towards me.

Then, I am just the way I am. One of the things I don’t like about the nature of internet is the possibility for people to hide who they are from who they really are. Even we could not really understand people’s intention in reality, now the complication brought to the Internet is becoming more challenging. As a result, we often find hate speech coming from various anonymous accounts. In this case, I have a clear belief and life principle that our true selves can be seen only when we are not being seen by people. So I will always make sure to treat everyone, both on internet and reality, same. Surprisingly this is actually not as hard as what most people think. I really cannot imagine people living with so many masks. Moreover, this is also affecting how I stay true to my own principle when I am both with and without people. One of practice I am using to assess my own improvement is by reducing the difference between me when I’m surrounded by people and me when I’m alone by myself. Am I still talking bad about people even though it is only in my heart? Am I still too proud to myself even though I say it only to myself? Moreover, are my intention pure from other motives when I help people?

Last, I let people know that I am in search of serious relationship. Even though my intention on dating apps are pure friendship, I cannot deny that at the same time my circle of friends is getting smaller, and my busy schedule means that I rarely meet new male acquaintances. When I accidentally met one of my guy friends on dating apps, without hesitation I immediately gonna greet him and start a light conversation. And when the conversation finally comes about my intention, I will just answer them honestly, “who knows I’d meet my spouse through your acquintances.”

I have my own pros on using dating apps. However, these past months, I cannot help but start seeing clear flaws and how the apps shaping the nature of modern dating. They are, indeed, always giving me good reason to stay longer. But for some reasons, I think dating apps are not good for me anymore:

1. The manipulation. There are so many fake people, bots, and catfishing on internet, moreover on the dating apps. It is just getting difficult to navigate which ones are real and which ones are not.
2. The addiction. Sometimes there are times I met people with a very different circle which looks like coming from those circles of families which are out of reach compared to my humble family. Anyway, the high of matching with super attractive people is enough to make us get hooked and chasing the dragon. Swiping right on more attractive people day by day make it like a gamble. After all, gambling sparks the addiction. Matching with someone on Tinder, Coffee Meets Bagel, or Bumble floods your brain with adrenaline because you feel like you’ve won something. And it is done a purpose for the addictive qualities of “gamified” applications like Tinder or Hinge are neurochemical in origin. Playing games on your phone releases endorphins, your body’s endogenous painkiller. This can reduce your anxiety levels, which feels great, or can even spark the feeling of being “high.”. 
3. The intention. Even in real life, we most of the times hardly find people with same intention. You have to consistently make sure that your expectation need to be as low as possible so you would not take anything on the internet too personal. For most girls who have faint heart, dating apps can be so cruel. I have met scammers several times. Even one of my best friends was being cheated by one of the scammers. Her story alone was so devastating. Report says 83% women witnessing online harassment and about 50% romance scams victim are women.
4. The anonymity. Before dating apps era, we know people by being introduced by our friends’, colleagues, and families’ mutuals. And because there are mutuals involved, there is also a certain degree of accountability. Like when you know someone through a family, you would not want to act like a complete nuthead for chances are they will find out. However today, we connect to strangers too easily who have no connection to us or to our circles. That naturally makes people feel less accountable for there are less consequences to whatever they do. You can completely vanish when things are not working. It is unfortunately not a rarity now, it is very common. That is why maybe ghosting cultures are increasing. This article points out that dating apps make people to feel disposable.
5. The human element. There are people who only want to have chat friends. I do not really against that but in the same time, I am also a social creature. We make judgement based on their body language, their non-verbal cues, and how their energy match with ours. How they talk and how they make us feel around them are very basic on determining how we feel about certain people. Online dating makes us miss out on that element. In my experience, many who experience liking people even though they have never met. However even when you are clicked with someone online, the on-person experience might feel completely different. Especially after the pandemic, this report tells me that more people interested in online dating. It means ever since there were nowhere to go, people were accepting the fact they could just date online for there are 83 percent increase in those open to dating “anywhere.”
6. The Self Image. At first I used to being active on dating pps only for self-validation. I feel I am great for many men liking my profiles. Maybe because of my photo or the way I present myself on my profile LOL Still there are more people who feel a bit discouraged for their looks just because of dating apps. It is like you are moving your neat IGs photos to dating apps profile, imagine who are going to get the more likes? It depends how your ability on presenting yourself on the dating profiles. There is already interesting research on this self-profiling on dating apps you can read for free.
7. The creepy personality. I do not say they are bad, however sometimes I am just so wrong about certain people. Even though they are nice and look decent through the chats, does not mean it reflects to their acts, does not mean their acts will suit me. While dating apps will not complete without the intention of meet-ups, I am at the point where I do not fancy meeting a total stranger without mutuals for I do not have second opinions on men I am gonna meet. This is crazy, but I am done with this. Being alone just with a stranger guy I just met also sounds very inconvenient to me :’) If in the future I am going to re enter the dating apps world, pretty sure there will not be any meet ups unless the term and condition is on me for safety reasons. I do have several dates back then however they are people I know for we have mutuals. And even when I was in a relationship, I was glad for we were never truly be alone just the two of us for we have a friend who also can act like a chaperone. It makes me feel safe and better. Traditional courtship is what I am aiming for during the dating period, moreover, in these changing nature led by the dating apps.
8. Once you are on the dating apps, be careful, you might be there forever. It is like a curse. We have already taste chances of matching with very attractive people on and on through dating apps without really trying to go to anywhere. I have been on and off on the dating apps myself, still could not be able to really set myself free from the apps. Maybe because I am single and still not meeting with the right person to be with. However, imagine I am not the only one who experience this. Some indeed have true intention of meeting future spouse and also meet people with same intention yet who are not sure with how the app works — this made them still chasing the dragons in order to find the right person. And so, instead of trying to settle down, they keep searching and never settle, like a vicious circle. The intention of meeting the right person but you feel like you’ve never met the right one because you can’t or don’t want to settle down.

In conclusion, dating apps have revolutionized the way people approach relationships and dating. The advantages of dating apps are numerous: they offer a larger pool of potential partners, the ability to filter and sort based on specific criteria, and the convenience of being able to connect with others from the comfort of one’s own home. Additionally, dating apps can help individuals who may be shy or introverted to overcome barriers to meeting new people.

However, there are also several drawbacks to dating apps. One of the biggest concerns is the potential for deception or misrepresentation, as users can easily present themselves in a way that is not entirely accurate. There is also a risk of addiction and becoming overly reliant on dating apps for social interaction. Additionally, the culture of “swiping” and superficial judgments based on appearance can be damaging to self-esteem and can perpetuate harmful stereotypes.

Ultimately, the decision to use dating apps should be based on personal preferences and goals. While they can be a useful tool for meeting new people and forming relationships, it is important to be aware of their limitations and potential drawbacks. By approaching dating apps with a critical and mindful perspective, users can make the most of their experience and navigate the complex world of modern dating with greater ease and confidence.

Photo by Andrej Lišakov on Unsplash